he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize