Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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