is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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