I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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