conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
