had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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