listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
