guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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