my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
