I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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