i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
