On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
