think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
