Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
