he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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