Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
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