We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
