Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
