so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
tell your sister to shave her snatch
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
