So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
