Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
