I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
