SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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