There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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