we have pet lesbian snakes
I can tuck mytits in my pants
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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