im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
There r osticjed everywhere
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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