We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
