Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
