none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i came on her dog
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
