she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
