the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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