so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
