If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
