I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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