I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
