I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Randomize
