i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
