i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
