My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
