Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
