I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
