He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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