I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We left the knife in your bed.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
