those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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