I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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