I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
