there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
