The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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