i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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