im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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