i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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