You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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