Dude my mom stole all your condoms
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
