Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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