How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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