Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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