you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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