For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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