Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
