Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
